Chaos within Order

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:10:04 -0400

xandorasbox: goatkult: ceorfaex: tothedeathsheadtrue: whiskey...

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:04:21 -0400

goatkult:

ceorfaex:

tothedeathsheadtrue:

whiskey-wolf:

And this is what happens when a masterfully crafted katana collides with a masterfully crafted longsword.

Suck it, katana

HAH!

suck my fuckin’ diiiick

Aren’t katanas and longswords made for different overall purposes tho

Katanas are slasher weapons made for cutting masterfully through human flesh so obviously it’s not gonna get through a fucking longsword which is really fucking thick and heavy and made for beating the shit out of people as well as hacking at armour

A katana would slice the shit out of you guys so idk what the fuck you’re so smug about

^That.

Gurren Lagann, spin on! Who the hell do you think I am?!!

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:26:51 -0400

Gurren Lagann, spin on! Who the hell do you think I am?!!

lumos5000: carbonandpixiedust: “I fell in love the way you...

Mon, 13 May 2013 01:12:42 -0400

lumos5000:

carbonandpixiedust:

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, then all at once.” The Fault in Our Stars by John Green in Circular Gallifreyan

I apologize for the absolute terrible picture quality, I broke myself and didn’t feel up to walking down stairs to the scanner and all I have is my phone. So please excuse that.

we need to play another round of “make John Green find the post” just so he can see this.

That’s actually pretty freakin’ cool.

stsftw: disneybound: Disney Characters as College Students by...

Thu, 09 May 2013 01:05:24 -0400

stsftw:

disneybound:

Disney Characters as College Students by Ruben

This is cool

Yo is it just me or does Tarzan look just like Vic Fuentes?

kingcroacus: googlehomie: hey man I haven’t heard anything from Beethoven in a while is he on...

Wed, 08 May 2013 22:27:11 -0400

kingcroacus:

googlehomie:

hey man I haven’t heard anything from Beethoven in a while is he on hiatus or something

beethoven hasnt heard anything in a while either

Because he was deaf or because he’s dead? .-.

littlecrythings: toyboxrondo: minestuck: pandyssian: OH MY GOD APPARENTLY TAKING AN ARROW TO THE...

Tue, 07 May 2013 18:20:59 -0400

littlecrythings:

toyboxrondo:

minestuck:

pandyssian:

OH MY GOD APPARENTLY TAKING AN ARROW TO THE KNEE WAS AN OLD NORDIC SLANG FOR GETTING MARRIED

I THOUGHT THAT ALL THOSE GUYS IN SKYRIM HAD LITERALLY BEEN SHOT IN THEIR KNEES WITH ARROWS BUT I GUESS NOT

AARE YOU SERIOUS

wait what

my whole life is a lie

vardaesque: calleo: thelegendofkungjew: calleo: groovyphilia:...

Fri, 03 May 2013 00:33:21 -0400

vardaesque:

calleo:

thelegendofkungjew:

calleo:

groovyphilia:

Apparently, this was the guy who was deported for being too handsome.

Suddenly, I understand.

Pretty sure it’s not just women they should have been ‘worried about’ not being able to—what was the wording? Control themselves?

That guy is hot.

I’m straight as an arrow and a Jew and I’d let him do things to me so vile they’d make Moses rise from the dead and punch me in the throat.

At which point, Moses would take a look at that guy and ask to join in.

FUCKING CHRIST THIS POST GOT BETTER

Yeah, Christ would fuck him too.

God, I haven't tried to "write" in a long time. But right now I just need to try to understand what the hell it is I'm feeling. So feel free to ignore this.

Wed, 01 May 2013 06:11:00 -0400

(So I say. But really, not so deep down, I think I might just want someone to talk to. Honestly, who knows?)

Post-Writing Note: The content in parentheses tend to be asides, observations, and tangents I made in regards to my emotional state as I wrote this. It wasn’t intentional. It’s just what happened, so I didn’t change them at all.

Also, as I wrote this in the dead of night, I didn’t edit it at all. So it’s raw and unrefined and it’s a shitty read. Just a warning that it is probably hard to understand at times.

Just think of it as an extended journal entry, I guess.

For the past 10 years, school has been the least of my worries. I have never cared for school. I have never wanted to go to school. I have never wanted to get a good grade on a project. I have never wanted to ace a test. I have never wanted to pass a class. I have never wanted to earn a degree. I have never wanted much of anything when it comes to academics.

And now that I think of it, I have never actually wanted much of anything.

2011-2012

Almost two years ago, after I graduated from high school, the admission I was offered to the school my parents wanted me to go to (which, incidentally, I neither wanted nor cared to attend) was revoked because of that apathy. I didn’t care to do well in school, so I didn’t, and this was the consequence. But I didn’t care. On the other hand, my mother was heartbroken. She was so set on having all three of her children graduate from such a prestigious university. She was so excited. But then my pathetic attitude mercilessly dashed her hopes. Oh well. I didn’t care, right? The day I learned this was also the day Zach moved away to Chapel Hill to go to that same school with his girlfriend.

So I went to a community college because “You need to go to college and get a degree if you want to amount to anything in your life.” How many times have I heard some variation of that message throughout my years? From my parents? My siblings? My teachers? My peers? My society at large? Whatever. I just went with it because I never would have heard the end of it from my family if I wasn’t in school. (I guess this is just a retrospective attitude about the situation; when I wrote of it at the time, I talked about Gurren Lagann and Simon’s indomitable spirit. I tried to be like him, to emulate him. It worked for a couple of weeks.) Anyways. I took eight courses that year. I passed five, and two of them just barely (if it’s not obvious, the reason is that I just didn’t care enough to do better). So much for that perpetual advancement.

Bryce is one of my best friends and was a constant presence. I made some “friends” in that time through him. Cody and Jessica and Jon. They were decent enough people. I didn’t particularly bond with any of them though, hence the quotations around ‘friends.’ That summer, I met another “friend,” Shannon. Her and Bryce started dating. She seemed to be a good person, and the six of us made some memories. Shannon’s presence, through no fault of her own, drove a wedge between Bryce and Cody, who were the best of friends, always together. The two of them stopped talking.(Down to five.) Hanging out with Jessica and Jon just sort of dropped off. We would occasionally, but not nearly as often as before.

(I’m slowly realizing as I write this and think of everything I have and have not done up to now that I kind of hate myself. I recognize the regrets as regrets and will them away, but they remain regardless.)

Down to three. Bryce continued to be a constant presence in my life, but then, so too was Shannon because, due to certain circumstances, Bryce’s family took her into their home. We carried on to make a few more memories together.

Maybe it is worth noting that during this year, I made a few “friends” at a frozen yogurt store. Some friends we were though. I don’t remember actually seeing or speaking to them outside of that little shop. Cierra seemed to actually care somewhat about me, so I do regret a little bit that I stopped speaking to her. Kerry did as well, despite her relatively frequent flip-flops between despising me and liking me. She and I have recently begun to chat again.

Come mid-late July, my father (Dad? He is my dad, and father seems so impersonal, but that’s the first word that came to mind. Just choosing which word to use was something of a struggle. Since I guess this is all supposed to be from the heart, I’ll go with my first instinct.) received orders to Wiesbaden, Germany. Around the same time, my sister Karla and her boyfriend Jared began renting a house in Durham. Since I couldn’t very well live alone in a full house at 18 (despite my various temporary wants) and I wasn’t accepted into any universities I (begrudgingly) applied to, my choices were to either:

A. Move to Germany with my parents.

B. Move to Durham to live with Karla and Jared on the condition I went to the community college.

In either circumstance, in living with my family I’d be free from having to pay rent or bills. Lucky me.

I have never been particularly close with any person in my family, so neither option very much appealed to me. The only (currently relevant) people I have ever been very close to in all my life have been Zach and Bryce. Since I didn’t want to leave behind my two best friends, I chose the lesser of two evils, so to speak, and moved to Durham in mid August, 2012.

(God. My “problems” are so goddamned insignificant and it’s driving me up a wall. Seriously Julio. Your life is so fucking privileged and if you put in even the slightest inkling of effort, it would be so fucking easy. Get over yourself.)

2012-2013

(I’m tired of writing this by now because I’m tired and all this introspection makes me feel like shit. But I know I’m not going to even attempt to organize my thoughts again any time soon, so I need to finish.)

School starts the day after I get all of my stuff to Durham. Great. More of the same. I actually enjoy German because my classmates are lively, mostly my age, and rather fun. It helped a lot that Frau Yokum is generally very laid-back as a teacher and that her teaching method is largely interactive.

Perhaps in September or October, I randomly asked after German one day if anyone in the class played tennis. One person, Greg, said that he did. So I got his phone number and we played tennis a few times.

In September began the relentless onslaught of “Julio, you should start applying to schools. Apply to schools. Apply. To. Schools.” Ugh. Needless to say, I didn’t because, as I said before, I don’t give a damn about school. Then after a month of repeating the same dialogue of

Family: “You need to start applying for schools.”

Me: “Okay. I know. I will.”

Family: “You keep saying you know and you will, but when?”

Me: “Soon.”

Karla issued me an ultimatum. “Either apply to 3 good schools by October 14 or start paying rent because we’re not going to keep working our asses off and barely scrape by to help support someone who doesn’t even try to help himself.”

I didn’t apply to those schools so I needed to start paying for rent. No big deal. After all, that’s the “real world” I’ve always heard so much about, right?

At the end of August, I got a job washing dishes at a restaurant down the road. I already knew that washing dishes sort of sucked, but I was broke, needed to pay rent, and couldn’t afford anything that I wanted (music, mostly). I worked five nights a week and I hated every minute of it. It was exhausting, wet, disgusting, repetitive, mindless, soul-sucking bullshit. I could never, even with the most eloquent, descriptive words, no matter how hard I tried, describe how much I despised that job. But it payed for what I needed it to, so I sucked it up and dealt with it for six months. (Currently I’ve only lived in Durham for 8.5. So.) I quit at the end of February.

The fall semester ended quickly. Of my four classes, I got one A, barely scraped out a D, dropped one (the equivalent of one of the ones I did not pass in Fayetteville, actually), and tested out of the last. In December, I visited my parents in Germany.

In those two weeks, I visited several places in Germany and had a great time while I was there. But in this horrible, retrospective state of mind, only two stand out.

1. I went to Heidelberg with my father (again, that struggle). The city lies in the valley of several large hills, and at the top of one is a historic castle. The view of the city from the castle walls was spectacular. I wish I had photos to show whoever is reading this.

2. My parents and I went to a small town in the Bavarian Alps to go skiing. Since we were completely novice and only stayed in town for one day, we never left the base of the mountain. However, the base of the mountain was still high above the town. Once again, the view was spectacular.

(This brings to mind a different memory from Puerto Rico several years ago. Very near the peak of a mountain in the rainforest is a small tower of maybe 200-300 feet. You can stand atop this tower. You can probably see where this is going: It was a rainy day and thus very foggy on the mountain. When I got to the top of the tower, I couldn’t see even 2 feet ahead. But when the fog cleared with a gust of wind, I was completely awestruck. In every direction there were the lush, beautifully green mountains. In the distance, between the mountains you could see the ocean shimmering in the sunlight, clearly distinct from the sky in the horizon. Never before had I seen such contrast between earth, sea, and sky. I have never seen anything so beautiful, and that has yet to change. It was truly magnificent and awesome.)

(I’m feeling a bit better thinking of those good memories, so I suppose that’s good.)

Start the Spring Semester. Math and English until March, then add German to the mix. Nothing worth mentioning. School is still school. Math is fun in class, as is German, but homework. I continue to not care.

I’m still doing nothing with myself. I found a new job (Really, Zach got me a job at his work. I did practically nothing, despite sorely needing money.). Now I’m a waiter at a very small restaurant/sushi bar in Chapel Hill. Compared to washing dishes, this is heaven. Still, nothing amazing. Making money, spending it all on bills, barely affording to keep myself fed.

(I don’t even know why I’m still typing. This has become shit.)

In mid-November and early December I went to concerts for the first time. They were the best nights of my life, just because they were so fun. I really liked all of the bands that played. Especially All Time Low. I just really love those guys.

Going back to those schools that I was supposed to apply to. I did apply to a few. Partially at least. I knew in the back of my mind that some were incomplete, but I just didn’t care. And then I received an email from one of the schools (the same one my mother wanted me to attend) that my application was incomplete and if I did not complete it within the next few days, it would be discarded and not considered. I kept ignoring it. Like a child, I was worried I would get in trouble with my parents, but I did not worry about the actual consequences of my inaction. So my application was thrown out. My sister read the letter that came in the mail (I know she did it out of worry and frustration for/at me, but it still kinda pisses me off that she did.) So she lectured at me. And she lectured at me. And without going into too many details because I’m ridiculously tired at this point, she came to the conclusion that she thinks that I am depressed. Her reasons are that I have no drive, no ambition, no cares in the world. There is nothing I want to do but laze and merely survive. There is nothing that I am passionate about. So she thinks I’m depressed. I guess that’s what I was trying to say this whole time.

Am I depressed? I don’t know. I don’t think I am. But why else would I be so apathetic about my life, my future? I suppose that I’m partially afraid, but I don’t think that’s a very large part of it. I’ve said it so many times already, but it bears repeating: I just don’t care about much of anything.

Briefly because I’m starting to fall asleep and I want to post this before I go to bed:

I made a new friend recently, Annie, and I care very much for her, despite only knowing her for a month and even then only through the Internet. I find it very comfortable talking to her and I am supremely grateful she is now a part of my life, even if only through conversation. (for now)

I’m coming up on a deadline. With the new perspective my family has on me, they’ve changed tactics and aren’t so “NEED. YOU. SCHOOL. GO. GRR.” As a matter of fact, everyone wants me to go to Germany, at least for the summer, for a “new start”/”change of pace.” I don’t know what I want to do. Karla and Jared’s lease on this house is going to end soon and the owners want to sell. So they’re in something of a pickle themselves. What are my options? Germany and what else? If I don’t get into the two schools I actually applied to, what? Get another job and just say, “Fuck school, I don’t need it?” Gah. I don’t fucking know. Life is hard and it’s bullshit.

April 19, 2013 was the best night of my life. I went to see All Time Low and Pierce The Veil in Charlotte and it was incredible. I made several new friends and gained a renewed appreciation for two of my favorite bands. Seriously, those guys have been helping me through the days since I started feeling so apprehensive about what the hell I’m going to do with myself.

I guess all I have to take from this is:

-I might be clinically depressed, but I doubt it.

-Why else would you be so apathetic about everything?

-I don’t have any passions outside of my real friends, the people with I care about. Zach, Bryce, Ashe, and Annie.

-To Germany, or not to Germany?

I don’t know. But I need to know soon.

EDIT: Oh. I forgot to mention. I decided to write this instead of study for German. Imagine that.

todieistoawake13: This is painfully accurate

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 01:02:39 -0400

todieistoawake13:

This is painfully accurate

"Ladies and gentleman, Rockstar Energy drink regrettably presents: Sixty minutes of mediocre Rock and..."

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:58:39 -0400

“

Ladies and gentleman,
Rockstar Energy drink regrettably presents:
Sixty minutes of mediocre Rock and Roll action and gratuitous dick jokes,
with thousands in attendance, and the millions watching around the world,
Are you ready?!

In the left corner, pound for pound, the strongest bass player in Rock and Roll,
set to star alongside Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike 2: Zack “No shirt, no problem” Merrick!
*Can’t Touch This plays while Zack Enters*

And in the back, weighing less now than he did when he was an over weight, sexually frustrated card magician, half of you don’t know he’s in the band, and the rest of you think he’s a potato. Please welcome, Rian “I’m just happy to be here” Dawson!
*Eye of the Tiger plays while Rian Enters*

In the right corner, only slightly heavier than Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2, he breast fed until he was 13 years old, and loves to snapchat pictures of his genitalia to random guys, it’s Jack “The Salami Sammy” Barakat!
*Barbie Girl plays while Jack enters*

And finally, in the center of the stage, the man with the golden pipes,
and a small, crooked schlong,
he’s the pride of England, and the shame of his family, Alex “I have diarrhea’ Gaskarth!
*The Final Countdown plays as Alex enters*

”

- Vinny Vegas- All Time Low Spring Fever Intro (via merrikat-manor)

thepastyscenee: Someone take me back to Spring Fever Tour. It was the best night of my life and I...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:42:33 -0400

thepastyscenee:

Someone take me back to Spring Fever Tour.

It was the best night of my life and I don’t know how to cope.

jill-bird: AND FINN THE HUMAN | (• ◡•) |

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:09:38 -0400

jill-bird:

AND FINN THE HUMAN | (• ◡•) |

jill-bird: JAKE THE DOG (❍ᴥ❍ʋ)

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:09:37 -0400

jill-bird:

JAKE THE DOG (❍ᴥ❍ʋ)

blankslate: i tried to write about your eyes but i ran out of clichesi tried to say you plainlybut...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:07:52 -0400

blankslate:

i tried to write about your eyes
but i ran out of cliches

i tried to say you plainly
but there wasn’t enough truth

whoever invented this language
didn’t anticipate you

breedadee: kellinnquin: scottylovesyou: i went to spring...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 01:43:11 -0400

breedadee:

kellinnquin:

scottylovesyou:

i went to spring fever tour tonight and made the decision to miss prom for it which was the best decision of my life. because of that, me and my friend chloe decided to dress up for the concert as if it were prom and we brought a giant banner that said “we skipped prom for this” on it. we specifically decided to crowd surf with the sign first when mayday parade played somebody that i used to know cuz we knew vic fuentes would be on stage with them. derek sanders of mayday parade saw me crowd surfing with the sign and gave a shout out to me for skipping prom after the song, which was awesome! then pierce the veil came onstage and during their acoustic i’m low on gas and you need a jacket, Chloe and i started slow dancing to have our one prom dance. then the people in the crowd around us got a giant section of the pit to sit down while we were dancing so we could be the only ones standing and have our dance together alone! it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen. then we kissed and the crowd around us went crazy. and then vic noticed in the middle of the song and pointed us out in the crowd and said he had never seen anything like it before at any show and he sang the rest of the song to us. then he gave us another shout out and was like “give it up for that prom couple!” and for the rest of the night, people came up to us asking if we were “the prom couple” and giving us high fives and saying thing like “fuck prom!” some people even got pictures with us. when all time low came on, they said that they had heard about the kids who skipped prom which means that ptv talked about us which is awesome! it was the best concert of my life and i know i will never forget it and hopefully the bands will remember it too!

THAT IS THE FUCKING CUTEST THING I’VE EVER READ OH Y GOD

…stop with the cute.

THERE IS NO BETTER MOMENT AT A CONCERT THAN WHEN THE SINGER STOPS SINGING AND THE CROWD CONTINUES...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 01:13:26 -0400

THERE IS NO BETTER MOMENT AT A CONCERT THAN WHEN THE SINGER STOPS SINGING AND THE CROWD CONTINUES THE SONG AND YOU SEE THEM ALL SMILE ITS SO PERFECT

Photo

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 00:54:00 -0400

thepasta-nerada: vvrathia: the sexual tension when u and ur crush are online on fb at the same...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:29:04 -0400

thepasta-nerada:

vvrathia:

the sexual tension when u and ur crush are online on fb at the same time and u just stare at their lil green dot

and suddenly you know what gatsby felt like

thepastyscenee: Today feels like a Mayday Parade day.

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:19:37 -0400

thepastyscenee:

Today feels like a Mayday Parade day.